How Self-Abandonment Shows Up in the Smallest Moments (Even a $5 Carton of Milk)

Hi darling,

So I was sitting in my childhood bedroom last week (at my childhood desk, no less), writing to you, when my mom walked up behind me with a tiny glass in hand.

“Can you taste this? It seems a little off.”

Backstory: We’d treated ourselves to a carton of chocolate milk a few days prior. 

Why? Because we’re adults and we can. (Plus I wanted the milkshake flavor without the milkshake effort.)

So I taste it. And it tastes fine to me.

She says, “It tasted like mold to me. But maybe that’s because I was outside tending the plants for too long.”

Huh, that’s odd. But chocolate milk is chocolate milk, so I drink a little more.

Still nothing.

Then on my third (much bigger) swig, I get it.

A lump.

An egregious, slimy, disgusting lump. One which leaves me the generous gift of an almost-floral moldy aftertaste after I spit it back into the glass. 

“If you tasted mold, why didn’t you just pour it out??!?”

“Because I thought maybe it was just me.”

“You don’t trust yourself to know MOLD when you taste it?”

And that’s just it… My precious mother is one of the kindest people I know, who would do just about anything for a loved one in need, except herself.

She has the hardest damn time asking for what she needs, advocating for herself, and trusting her own judgment.

Even on something so minor as a $5 carton of milk.

And if you’re reading this, you probably know - she’s not unique. Pretty much all women do this sometimes. 

We’ll feel a gut instinct, a flash of knowing… then we talk ourselves out of it. 

Your gut instinct is usually right. But we're taught to second-guess it.

Because there must be some other explanation. 

Because maybe someone else knows better. 

Because we don’t want to be a burden. 

Because we can’t risk being wrong.

This self-abandonment isn’t natural; it’s conditioned. And it leads to us accumulating shitloads of stress in our bodies and minds that then affects how we show up in our relationships - especially with our partner.

(Speaking of partners… My guided digital workbook, Where Did My Desire Go?, walks you through seven key areas of stress and safety to help you identify where you need stronger boundaries, how your stress is burying your desire for your partner (it’s hard to ‘want’ when you’re in survival mode), and what to do to get your passion back.)

So here’s what I want you to take away from all this -

Next time you feel that internal tug of “wait, something’s not right…,” don’t reach for a second opinion right away. Trust your own taste. Because you already know a lot more than you give yourself credit for. 

(And check your milk before the third swig.)

In sickness and in health,

Caity

P.S. - Here’s the workbook I mentioned.

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