Fights Aren’t Normal in Healthy Relationships

Hi darling,

We need to stop pretending that fighting is a normal part of relationships.

Fights aren't normal.

Disagreements? Frustration? Realizing halfway through a conversation that you’re both annoyed and talking in circles and need a quick break? 

All fine.

But fighting with your partner? As in: raising voices, verbally attacking each other, saying things they know will hurt you, storming off in a huff, or generally treating each other like competition?

No.

Hell no.

Absolutely-fucking-not.

That’s not a normal or healthy part of being in a relationship. And I want more women raising our standards of what behavior we allow in our presence.

You're teammates, not opponents.

When you’re angry with someone you love, that person is still on your team. They’re not your opponent. 

You’re both solving a problem together. It’s your mutual responsibility to treat each other with love and respect, even when you’re frustrated. 

Neither of you is allowed to turn the other into the enemy. It’s ‘you both solve the problem together’ or nothing at all.

So if your partner is upset about something and you’re trying to help but they keep verbally lashing out at you, that’s not behavior you need to accept or tolerate.

Anger isn’t an excuse for disrespect. 

No matter how angry your partner gets, there’s no good reason for them to treat you without dignity and respect.

If your partner raises their voice at you, that’s not ‘just what happens when people get mad.’ That’s their choice to let themself behave aggressively toward you, and it’s not okay.

A healthy adult notices themselves escalating, then course-corrects in the moment. 

• They hear their own voice getting louder and think, "Whoa. I'm yelling. Let me take a step back."

• They notice they’re feeling too activated to have a calm conversation and say, “This is getting intense. I need some fresh air. I’m going to step outside for 10 minutes.”

• They feel themselves getting defensive and pause.

• If they screw up, they take responsibility right then and apologize. (And it’s a real apology, like, “You’re right, I did do that, and I’m sorry,” not that “Sorry if you feel hurt, but…” crap.) 

Peaceful doesn’t mean perpetually pleasant. It means that when (not if) you inevitably piss each other off, or hurt each other’s feelings, you still choose to behave from a place of love.

But what if you've always seen people fight?

If you grew up around people screaming at each other, name-calling, “why can’t you just”-ing, “you always do that”-ing, throwing things, physically fighting, slamming doors, giving each other the silent treatment, disappearing for days on end, or turning every disagreement into a “challenge to their authority” that the whole family had to suffer for, you may assume that this constant tension is what’s normal for relationships. 

The same applies if, as an adult, every couple around you (or who you see online or on TV) seems to be in perpetual chaos, high conflict, and recurring arguments. That might make you think that’s all normal, too.

It’s not.

Just because a dynamic is familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy. It just means that’s what your nervous system was taught to expect as the baseline. But you can choose to change this any time. 

That’s the great thing about adult relationships: you get to create them from scratch and choose your own rules. You can choose to surround yourself with examples of peaceful, healthy relationships. You can choose to associate ONLY with people who are kind, loving, self-responsible, self-regulating, and a joy to talk to. And over time, you can teach your nervous system that this is your new normal.

One important caveat: peace isn't people-pleasing.

Please don't read this and think that the secret to a peaceful relationship is simply agreeing with the other person all the time. That’s self-abandonment, not peace. 

Real peace doesn’t need you to swallow your own needs and avoid difficult conversations just to keep the relationship. Healthy relationships need those hard conversations sometimes, even when you have to disappoint someone you love.

The goal here isn’t to eliminate conflict (which would be impossible, anyway); it’s to deal with it peacefully, so that everyone’s needs get met as best they can without turning against each other.

You are allowed (and highly encouraged) to expect your relationships to be peaceful.

I want you to start expecting peace and ease by default, and see what happens.

I want you to take inventory of your relationships (romantic, family, friends) and ask yourself not, “Is this bad enough to leave?” but instead, "Is this the kind of relationship I actually want?"

You are allowed to want a relationship where you feel safe to speak your mind openly.

• …where arguments don’t turn nasty.

• …where your partner doesn’t become cruel when they’re exhausted.

• …where you can say, "That hurt my feelings," without your partner getting defensive or belittling you

• …where your partner will admit, "You're right. I handled that badly."

• …where you and your partner can end a heated discussion with laughs, and then move on.

Peace should be everyone's norm to give, and (especially!) to receive.

And if you’ve spent your whole life thinking verbal aggression is normal, maybe it’s time to find out what happens when you stop tolerating it. 

Love and ease, Caity

P.S. - Ready to find out how much better your intimate life could be? Whether your desire has been waning lately, or your bedroom stopped being fun a long time ago, my digital guided workbook for women, Where Did My Desire Go?, can help you figure out why + what to do next.

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