18 Reasons Women Feel Broken in Bed (And What They Actually Mean)
Hi darling,
For this week's newsletter-blog, I want to talk about something that I find fascinating: shame.
More specifically, a multitude of fucked-up ways that women are taught feel ashamed of ourselves when it comes to sex.
Some of these come from a singular traumatic experience that leaves a lasting impact on our minds and bodies. Others come from years of subtle messaging of what sexuality is supposed to look like for women, and interpreting any deviations from that script as personal defects.
Women have to navigate a lifetime of changing bodies, relationships, careers, children, body image, outdated messages about what it means to be a "good woman," and constant contradictory ideas about female sexuality. Not to mention the mental and physical exhaustion of existing in a female body within a patriarchal world hellbent on controlling us.
All the while, we're expected to (somehow) prance into the bedroom every night, ready for a night of crazed lovemaking with a partner who we expect absolutely nothing from in return.
Cute, right? 🪓🪓🪓
So before we dive in, let me just say - there's very likely nothing at all wrong with you. Your body and mind may just be responding in extremely logical ways to the stress happening in your life (and bedroom) lately.
Got that? Good. Now strap in, because this one’s a long’un.
Here are 18 reasons why you might feel broken, or ashamed, when it comes to sex (especially if you're having it with men):
1. You think you're supposed to want sex more than you do.
There's a very specific picture we're fed of how a "sexual" woman is supposed to behave: she spontaneously craves sex, gets turned on easily, wants it regularly, gets excited when her partner initiates, gets in the mood quickly, thinks about sex often, enjoys herself the second things get going, and needs almost no mental or physical stimulation before she's ready for PIV. (Basically ‘golden retriever energy’ with a libido.)
Meanwhile, for gals who love their partner but rarely feel spontaneously horny, it can be easy to think something is wrong with you. (It isn't.) For many women, desire is actually responsive, not spontaneous, meaning it shows up only after there’s been just the right amount of gentle touch, anticipation, emotional connection, and time/space to let your brain and body relax.
2. You're comparing your sexuality to a man's.
It's no surprise that in our (current) patriarchal culture, men's experiences and bodies have been set as the standard for everything from seatbelts, to toothpaste formulas, to arousal patterns.
For many heterosexual couples, it's easy to unconsciously set the man's desire as the baseline for the relationship. So his desire patterns start looking "normal," and yours start looking like the problem to solve. This can be quite emotionally painful when partners love and desire each other, but you simply don’t experience sexuality the same way he does (whether that’s wanting sex more or less than you do).
Maybe he wants it more, or maybe you want it more. Both are okay. It's important to remember that everyone’s desire patterns will differ from each other. There is no right or wrong amount of sexual appetite.
3. You've been taught that women should be desirable, but not have desires ourselves.
We're supposed to be curvy, but not too curvy. Slim, but not too slim. Beautiful, but not too alluring. Sexy, but not too accessible, except for certain men. Inviting, but not provocative. Experienced, but without any actual experience. Wanted by men, but without wants of our own for anyone… (unless it's other women, and then done purely for male entertainment).
Basically: be pleasurable for men, but seek no pleasure of your own.
The (zillionth) problem with this is that it's human nature to desire, and to seek pleasure. So this cultural expectation leaves us performing a fake, dissociated version of sexuality for one narrow slice of the male gaze that we don't even identify with. Naturally, our bodies don't crave the facade.
And the messaging gets messier still when a woman actually does have a lot of desire of her own. Now she has to remember to not be too easy, not have too many partners, not be too aggressive, not seem too interested, not be a slut, not be "that kind of woman." It’s a constant tightrope walk… where the rope is also on fire.
So we grow up learning that being sexually desirable to men is supposed to be a compliment, while being openly sexual ourselves toward men is somehow unattractive. Contra-D, anyone?
(Personal life mini-story: It's been fascinating to me over the years to talk at length with male suitors about their own desires, then watch them go quiet, shut down, change the subject, or just vanish the second I get into the details of mine - even the men who claimed to be into the same things as me. Now I channel that bubbly enthusiasm into trolling them, instead. What do you mean you aren't building me a temple? I thought you said you were into goddess worship.)
4. You've absorbed religious, conservative, or purity-based messages about sex.
Both having it, and wanting it.
Even if you've consciously rejected the beliefs you grew up with, the emotional baggage tends to stick around long after your brain has moved on. Sex may have been associated with being dirty, immoral, irresponsible, out of control, disappointing your family, disrespecting yourself, being used, becoming worthless, or being judged by everyone around you. Your rational brain can move on long before those imprinted beliefs in your nervous system get the memo.
And sometimes the shame isn't only about what you do; it's about what you want. You can intellectually believe women are allowed to have sexual desires while still feeling a little pang of shame the moment you identify one of your own.
5. You feel ashamed of your body.
It's nearly impossible to relax into pleasure when your brain won't shut up about how "wrong" some part of you looks.
Why? Because those panicked thoughts keep you feeling unsafe.
Is my partner disappointed?
Does my stomach look weird?
Is my cellulite visible?
Do my breasts look good?
Do I look okay from this angle? Should I dim the lights more?
And as much as an internet stranger like me can shout, "Your partner doesn't care how your ___ looks!! They're just happy to be there with you!!!" from the rooftops (okay, from my laptop), that probably won't be enough to quiet your inner self-monitoring.
You can’t think your way out of feeling unsafe. (If you could, your partner saying “just relax” would be instantly calming - not instantly threatening to them sleeping on the couch tonight.)
We instead have to actually feel safe and loved in our bodies, not just desperately hope to think ourselves there. This is where it massively helps to have a supportive partner who can prove (in the most adoring gaze, sparkling eyes, hands-and-face-on-the-scene way possible) how much they adore those parts of you.
6. You feel like sex is something you're supposed to perform.
Performance anxiety isn't just for our favorite schlong-havers. Society hands plenty of it to women, too.
We're supposed to orgasm. And quickly. And from penetration.
We're supposed to be adventurous. Spontaneous. Always up for it.
We're supposed to sound like we're enjoying it, and look like a perfectly polished supermodel while doing so.
We're supposed to know exactly what we like, and it's supposed to line up conveniently with what our partner likes, too.
If our partner is male, we're supposed to be thrilled to reenact whatever male gaze, anti-female-pleasure crap he's seen in porn this week, and also make him feel “like a man,” which includes making him feel like he’s very sexually skilled.
All this makes you self-police if you’re ‘doing sex correctly’ instead of noticing if you even like it.
7. Media lied to you about what's realistic.
Even women who don't consume much porn are still marinating in porn-influenced expectations through movies, books, television, social media, and the general cultural script.
How many of us have watched a movie scene where a couple finally falls into bed together for the first time, has intercourse within about ninety seconds, skips foreplay entirely, and the woman is passionately orgasming on contact? (And all the guy had to do was show up and stick it in?)
Real sexuality is much messier. (Literally and figuratively.) Because reality is much messier.
You've got stress, distractions, awkwardness, needing more time, getting too hot, sweating a lot, getting too cold, needing socks (not those ones, the fuzzy polar bear ones), getting hungry or thirsty, needing to pee, needing emotional safety, wanting different kinds of touch, needing to slow the fuck down, periods, farting, accidentally burping into their mouth, lines on your skin from wearing snug clothes all day, difficulty orgasming, mismatched libidos, chafing, "ow, that hurts, let's not do that again," mismatched preferences or fetishes, responsive (rather than simultaneous) desire, and so much more.
And too often, when reality doesn't match the script, we blame ourselves instead of asking who wrote the script in the first place (and what their agenda was).
8. Sex is painful, or arousal or orgasm has been a struggle for you.
Maybe it takes you a "long" time to get aroused. (I promise it’s not too long. There’s no such thing.)
Maybe penetration doesn't feel that good for you. (Or maybe it hurts like hell, which happens when I rush it.)
Maybe you need very specific stimulation to orgasm. (Many of us do.)
Maybe you rarely orgasm with a partner but manage it fine on your own. (Fewer distractions, and more access to your favorite turn-ons.)
Maybe your arousal feels flighty or unpredictable. (#cantbetamed)
Maybe your brain is interested but your body just won’t cooperate. (#brat)
Nearly all of us run into some version of these things at some point in life. That’s just the cost of having a human body with a human sexual response. Arousal is complicated. Physiological, psychological, relational, hormonal, context, and more all play a role in what we can or can't feel, and when. And that’s okay.
Whatever your body needs is whatever your body needs. Nobody is "sexually defective," because there is no single standard of "sexual perfection" to fall short of.
Get curious, not judgy.
9. You've had experiences that taught you to fear sex.
This includes anything that's ever taught your nervous system that sex isn't safe, including (but not limited to!) unwanted touch or attention, pain, criticism, or the betrayal of a partner cheating. Sometimes it's even subtler, like being pressured after you'd already said no. Or maybe your partner got disappointed / tense / defensive / punitive / withdrawn / sulky / argumentative any time you weren't in the mood.
Even when nobody's physically forcing you into anything, your body still learns the same lesson: saying no comes with a cost. And when you can’t safely say no, you can’t ever fully say yes, either.
Once your brain and body have linked sex with danger, pressure, conflict, rejection, or the threat of losing the relationship, sex starts triggering a protective response instead of a turned-on one. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed for: trying to keep you safe, no matter what.
10. Your partner's desire is much higher than yours.
This creates a wicked cycle: the more you feel pressured to have or want sex (even if your partner isn’t directly asking), the more desire gets blocked. And the more desire is blocked, the more you try to force yourself to want sex anyway because your partner does. So you end up associating sex with guilt, obligation (ew), relationship maintenance, or the fear of letting your partner down - and end up not wanting partnered sex at all anymore.
Sometimes this comes from a partner’s pressure, but it can also come from putting pressure on yourself to try to keep up with their higher desire. (But let me remind you, they can always service themself to balance things out.)
11. You aren't very connected to your own desires.
You're probably very good at knowing what your partner likes. You know what gets them excited, what makes them happy, what they find attractive, and what kind of sex makes them feel excited and loved. But how well do you know these things about yourself?
If you don’t know these things, now is the perfect time to explore that about yourself and find out. Don’t feel bad if you haven’t had the chance to explore much! Everyone’s journey is different.
12. You're carrying shame from being taught what "good women" do.
A "good woman" is supposed to be modest, self-controlled, accommodating, nurturing, desirable, and sexually available to exactly the right man, in exactly the right way. And worst of all, she self-monitors all of this, constantly. So mid-sex you’re thinking, “Am I doing this right? Into it, but not slutty or easy? Hot, but not sloppy? Will he still respect me in the morning?”
It’s hard to catch that mental audit in real time, and easy to chalk it up to “I’m just an anxious person.” It takes a lot more chewing behind-the-scenes to untangle what’s conditioning (probably all of it), and what’s actually you.
13. Your sexuality had to grow up with you.
A lot of us enter adulthood with a fairly simple understanding of our sexual identity. We’re young, we date, and we explore sexual and romantic relationships with peers in hopes that we find the right partner(s) long-term.
Then life gets considerably more complicated as we get older. In no particular order, we: create permanent partnership, live together, marry, become parents, advance in our careers, get messier finances, stress, age, our bodies change every few years, our hormones massively shift, we buy real estate and invest, we retire, we try to find meaning in our existence, we change religions or give that up completely, we lose our memories and become more disabled as we age… any everything in between, and so much more.
Suddenly we realize that the sexuality that felt easy at 20 now feels different at 35, and will feel even more different at 60.
And while it can be easy to feel like we’ve ‘lost’ a part of ourselves from our earlier days, our sexuality is simply keeping up with where we are in our lives and our bodies now.
I’ve never been pregnant (to my knowledge, thank goddess), but I’m told it’s a lot like how your body after pregnancy is never the same as it was before, and that’s a beautiful thing because (1) the human body and biology in general are pure fucking magic, and (2) the changes to your physical form literally and figuratively represent your growth and evolution in your life.
14. You fall into the "I used to be sexual" trap.
Maybe you remember wanting sex a lot more often, or being adventurous, or orgasming really easily, and now none of that feels accessible anymore. If that sounds like you, that change can hit especially hard because it’s not just a shift so much as feeling like a loss of identity. You're not thinking "my desire is lower"; you're thinking “what happened to me, where did that woman go?” And that means you’re no longer comparing yourself to some abstract ideal, but a defined point of your own history. And that felt loss can really hurt.
15. You assume low desire must mean you're not attracted to your partner.
For many women, the thought shows up as “Why don’t I want my partner? I should want sex with them if I’m attracted to them. So is something broken in the relationship, or in me?”
But sexual desire gets influenced by so much more than physical attraction alone: stress, resentment, emotional connection, novelty, sleep, context, privacy, inner world, mental load, relationship dynamics, medication, hormones, body image, etc. You can be deeply attracted to someone and still not want sex this week. You can also love someone enormously, and be deeply attracted to them, and yet still have complicated feelings about having sex with them, because sex is very emotionally complex for many of us. You can also love someone but feel disconnected from them emotionally, which makes you feel completely disinterested in sex with them temporarily.
So the better question usually isn't so much the attraction as, "What else is going on inside me, and inside our relationship, right now?"
16. You feel ashamed because you want sex more than your partner does.
Maybe you're the one initiating more, thinking about it more, wondering why they don’t seem to want you the way you clearly want them… so you worry, “Is something wrong with me? Am I being needy? Am I unattractive? Do they even still want me? What am I doing wrong???”
This can feel especially shameful in a heterosexual partnership, where the (toxic) cultural stereotype says men should be “sex crazed.” So when you’re with one who isn’t, you blame yourself for the perceived gap in where his sex drive actually is versus where you expected it to be.
But just like the flip side we covered, everyone’s sex drive is different, and being the higher-drive partner in your relationship doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you (or your partner). There’s no measuring stick for whose drive should set the standard, because there is no singular ‘standard’ healthy sex drive amount.
17. You feel like you should be enjoying something you aren't.
There are lots of things we’re told will feel amaaaaaazing in bed that, for many reasons, don’t land that way for a lot of us. And that’s totally okay, no matter how normalized any particular act or preference is by others. If you just aren’t into something, you just aren’t into it; no big deal.
Our bodies all respond in different ways to different sensations. Everyone’s pleasure wiring is unique and evolves over time as we gain more experiences (both good and bad ones). This applies both for things you enjoyed in the past but they don’t quite scratch that itch anymore, as well as things that might not have appealed previously but now you’re interested in giving them a second chance.
Part of the joy of being alive is experimenting with the body you were given and seeing how it responds to whatever you’re curious about - without judgment, and with consent from all parties involved, of course.
18. Your genitals responded to something you weren't actually aroused by.
Ever been accidentally physically turned on by something you find mentally/emotionally repulsive, frightening, unwanted, or violating? No, you’re not a monster, and you’re definitely not broken. This is called genital non-concordance, and can be very confusing if you’re not aware of how it works.
Basically, our bodies are designed to detect and respond to sexually relevant stimuli around us (because, y’know, nature likes to reproduce). But our bodies have a wide range of what’s considered “sexually relevant” that often does not align with what’s actually appealing to us.
This does not mean you’re attracted to the scenario that caused the response, or that you enjoyed it, or that you consented. It’s just your body having an involuntary biological reaction to physical and sensory input - same as any other reflex.
Part of learning about your sexuality is discovering the difference between “my body responds to this” and “I actually want this.”
You're not broken; you’re self-abandoning.
And it’s totally on accident, because none of us set out to ignore our own needs. But it’s exactly what we have been trained to do - and what we can, and must, choose to unlearn.
Your body is incredibly intelligent. It’s always communicating with you about what it needs in order to do its job: keep you alive. Not necessarily happy, but alive and safe.
The happy part is where I come in, because I want you happy and thriving, both in your life in general and especially in your bedroom and partnership.
Whatever you feel ashamed about is probably way more normal than you think it is. So the next time you catch yourself judging yourself for anything sex-related, ask instead:
What expectations do I have for myself here, and who gave them to me?
What is my body trying to tell me that I need more or less of right now?
What would make this feel easy and fun, instead of stressful? And how can I do more of that?
Because so many “sex problems” have nothing to do with sex at all, and are instead about needing more communication, needing to slow things down or scale them back, adjusting expectations, separating your value from your sexual expression, and choosing what you actually want for yourself instead of what you’ve been told you should want.
Stay curious, my love.
Shamelessly in your court, always, Caity
P.S. If you haven’t already, take my quick, free 7 Hidden Desire Killers That May Be Sabotaging Your Relationship self-assessment. It walks you through some of the sneakier culprits behind low desire that have nothing to do with aging.
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