You Don’t Actually Need a Good Reason to Break Up

Hi darling,

This week, I want to talk about breakups. More specifically: you do not need a “good” reason, or any reason at all, to break up with someone.

Maybe you’re unhappy. Or you’ve grown apart. Or you’re growing as a person and they… aren’t. Or you want different things now at this stage of your life and you’re no longer compatible as partners. Or you’re tired of trying to fix the same problem year after year, and you’re ready to be done. Or your partner is fine but you're just not feeling things anymore. Or you miss being single! Or whatever. 

The reason doesn't really matter. Because wanting to leave is enough of a reason by itself. The relationship doesn't have to be bad. Your partner doesn't have to be bad. You don't need to have tried every possible way to fix things. You can simply decide you’re finished, and leave.

Of course, how you leave matters. Don’t string them along if you’ve already mentally checked out. Don’t be mean just to be mean. And don't be a shit and ghost them, unless it's for safety. Ethical breakups are a thing! Be honest and respectful to them, handle your shared responsibilities thoughtfully, communicate clearly that it's over and you're leaving, and hold firm to that.

But if you're on the fence and not sure whether you should keep trying to make things work… or throw in the towel and (finally) give yourself that breakup… let's dive in.

First things first:

Do you want this relationship as it currently stands?

Imagine your relationship continuing into the future, forever, exactly as it is right now, until one of you dies. 

What's your gut reaction? Are you excited about the possibilities of what you could build together? Relieved at the thought of them dying? Exhausted at the thought of another year of trying to make this work? 

Be honest with yourself, even if you don’t like the answer. Notice what the first and most prominent emotions to pop up are (the ones before you rationalize your way out of them), and why. Those gut reactions often tell you exactly what you know you need to do. 

And don’t stay out of hope that your partner will change ‘someday’. This isn’t the time to bet on their potential; you already did that when you started dating them. This is the time to decide: do I want to live with them exactly as they are today, forever? Or am I secretly hoping they’ll behave differently than exactly how they’re behaving today, or that our relationship will become something it currently isn’t? (I’ve done this, and it sucks. Leave the potential to your business dreams, not your romantic partnership.)

And if you do genuinely want to stay and work on things, and your partner has proven that they are working on those things, too (emphasis on that second half), great. But if you’re repeatedly unhappy, unfulfilled, feeling alone in the relationship, banking on potential, and/or you’ve communicated your needs and they can’t or won’t honor them… that’s a sign the relationship may be heading towards its expiration date.

Are you the only one trying to make this relationship work?

Let’s be real: women are socialized to be infinitely patient, accommodating, and willing to work on our relationships, no matter what our partner brings to the table (if anything), and regardless of whether our partner reciprocates this for us.

This makes it harder to notice when we’re doing more than our fair share of the relationship labor, because we're always on the hamster wheel of making their life easier without them even having to fully ask. (Because we’re so generous and wonderful and self-sacrificing like that.)

So we try another conversation. We explain our needs one more time. We read the books, make the compromises, extend the grace, and quietly wait for things to change. We tell ourselves that relationships take work, that nobody's perfect, that we shouldn't give up on someone we love, and that things will be great as soon as our partner does just this one simple thing for us. 

And then… nothing changes.

So we do it all again. And still nothing changes.

Now, sometimes the above actions do help. Sometimes partners do take the inspiration to step up, follow-through, and improve the relationship. And yes, relationships do take work (though far less than a lot of women tolerate), and people do make mistakes (but hopefully learn from them), and sometimes there are difficult seasons (that’s not an excuse for your partner to be nasty to you, by the way). 

But there's a big difference between doing the work with your partner, and doing the work for them. 

You cannot build a healthy relationship by yourself. You might as well be rowing a boat on one side, then wondering why it keeps going in circles. 

If you've repeatedly communicated a need, explained why something hurts you or leaves you unfulfilled, and given your partner reasonable opportunities to address it, pay attention to how they respond. Are they making a genuine effort to do what you need? Are you seeing consistent progress? Or are they making promises and then doing nothing? (Or ignoring your pleas altogether and still doing nothing?) 

“But they're not a bad person!”

Okay. And?

Someone can be a good person and still not be your person. Good people get broken up with every day. You can be kind, loving, gorgeous, brilliant, considerate, and genuinely trying to be a great partner, but still be the wrong fit for someone. It’s like outgrowing clothing. Maybe a favorite garment stays a favorite for life, maybe it evolves with you over time, or maybe it’s time to give it one last grateful hug and donate it.

Another example: think about all your friendships across the span of your life so far. You've probably had some that you planned to keep for life, some that faded, some that naturally ran their course, some that were limited to a very specific time or circumstance (like friends in a class or at a job), and some that stopped being right for you as you grew and changed. That’s normal!

The same goes for romantic relationships. You don't owe someone a lifetime of companionship just because they've been good to you. You can appreciate what they’ve brought into your life, want the best for them, and still decide you’re done. 

Please don’t keep trying forever.

Sometimes people stay because the idea of leaving feels like they failed. You didn’t. I know you tried your best. And you probably (hopefully) learned a lot from the experience. I want you shaping your life with intention, not staying stuck in a relationship you’ve outgrown simply because you think leaving makes you look like a quitter. Pretend it’s a graduation; you earned your degree and now you get to move on.

The more time we invest in a relationship, the harder it can feel to walk away from it. To read more on that, Google “sunk cost fallacy”. But you’re not obligated to stay just because it’s been however-many years. I’ve had several friends try that line on me when I ended our friendships. Longevity tells you how long the relationship lasted, not whether it was healthy or fulfilling. Ten years together doesn’t mean ten good years together. You can appreciate the time you shared with a person without signing yourself up for more.

(Any time I hear of a hetero couple that’s been together for decades, I always want to ask the woman how many of those years were actually good. Because he shouldn’t get credit for keeping a relationship alive that existed in spite of him, not because of him.)

What matters is whether you want this relationship now, whether your partner is willing, able, and actively building with you the kind of relationship you want, and whether the two of you can actually maintain and enjoy the relationship long(er)-term.

Here are some reflection questions to ask yourself if you're considering leaving your relationship.

If you're torn about whether to stay or go, give yourself the time and space to think it through without feeling rushed. Set aside an hour or two (or however long you can) this week with a cozy mug and blanket, and start feeling into these questions…

What do I actually want?

• Truth serum: when I'm completely honest with myself, if I knew no one would be mad at me, would I want to stay in this relationship?

• Is my life better with this person as my partner?

• Is there a different role I'd rather they play in my life (instead of partner), like as a friend, an acquaintance, someone I no longer speak to, or something in between?

What's really happening in this relationship?

• What’s missing in the relationship?

• Have I clearly communicated what I need?

• Have I given them a reasonable chance to respond to my needs?

• Are they genuinely willing to work on the problems in our relationship, or am I the only one trying to change things?

• Am I seeing consistent changes in their behavior (not just their words)?

• Do I feel respected, physically and emotionally safe, and able to fully be myself in this relationship?

• If things stayed exactly as they are now, and I was looking back on my life 50 years from now, would I be happy that I chose to stay?

• What do I get to keep in my life by staying? What do I give up by staying?

• What do I gain by leaving? What do I give up by leaving? 

What's keeping me here?

• Am I staying because I would feel guilty about hurting my partner’s feelings?

• Am I staying out of a sense of duty, obligation, or fear of being seen as a bad person?

• Am I afraid to start over?

• Am I afraid to be alone?

• Am I afraid I’ll regret leaving more than I’ll regret staying?

• Am I afraid I won't find someone else who wants me?

• Do I want to leave but I’m afraid for my physical safety?

What would leaving actually involve?

• Can I afford (financially) to leave right now? If not, what would I need to do to change that?

• Do I have somewhere to live after the breakup? If not, how soon could I change that?

• Do I have trusted friends or family I can turn to for emotional support, practical help, or somewhere to stay? If I don't have that support network, can I start building one?

• Would I fear for my safety if I left? Is there any chance my partner might retaliate against me (threatening, stalking, breaking my belongings, other violence, etc.)?

For the last question, if you fear your partner's reaction, leaving isn’t as simple as a “be brave and speak slowly” kind of situation. You don’t have to handle a potentially dangerous breakup alone. Your safety comes first, always! Get confidential support (a therapist, a counselor, an attorney, etc., especially if you have kids) and make a plan before taking action. You can also have friends, family, and/or law enforcement present during the breakup to facilitate the transition.

And if your situation is safe but leaving would be financially or logistically difficult, remember that not being able to leave today is not the same as deciding to stay forever. Start planning now.

You get to choose the relationships you want.

You have control over what your life and relationships look like. And you’re allowed to change your mind at any time. 

Be honest with yourself about what you want, then go make it happen.

Your choice, Caity

P.S. - Feeling less interested in intimacy these days? It might be one of these 7 hidden desire-killers quietly sabotaging your relationship.

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