The Life-Changing Magic of “Matching Their Energy” (Learn from My Mistakes)

Hi darling,

You know that phrase, “match their energy”? Let’s talk about it.

In the context of dating and relationships, this means adjusting how much effort, attention, enthusiasm, and emotional investment you’re giving someone to match what they’re giving back to you. This extends to not just what they say (or what we excitedly imagine from what they say), but what they actually do. 

Basically, look for reciprocity and don’t chronically over-function.

The goal with this approach is to prevent those of us who consistently overgive from overgiving to the wrong people. 

Who are the wrong people? You’ve probably known a few. These are the folks who happily feast on your loving attention and care, but give crumbs back to you in return. You offer, they take, again and again, without reciprocation. 

Some like you, some don’t. Some are deliberately using you, while others just have a baffling level of unchecked entitlement. 

Regardless of their intent, the structure is the same: you keep giving without receiving, you’ve noticed it’s leaving you less-than-fulfilled (or maybe totally drained), and you’re ready for something to change.

What kind of energy-matching do I mean? A few flavors come to mind:

Effort is one example. If they initiate plans, communicate consistently, and make an effort to see you, you do the same. But if they repeatedly cancel, you stop being the person who continually reschedules and pursues them. It’s perfectly fair that if they're barely making an effort, you can stop doing all the work of keeping the connection alive. (Relationships need participation from all participants, not just you, to survive!)

Communication is another example. If they're enthusiastic and engaged in the conversation, you can enjoy doing the same. But if they're sending short, distant, or dismissive texts, resist the urge to send paragraphs back. And if they only text occasionally, don’t rush to respond. 

There's also interest. A healthy person interested in getting to know you will usually show you, clearly, that they’re excited to get to know you. (Bonus points if they’re really good at remembering fun things you share with them about yourself!) This gives you the greenlight to openly show your interest in getting to know them, too. But if they seem lukewarm or you can’t tell if they like you, don’t waste your enthusiasm on them or try to force emotional intimacy. (That’s a great opportunity to tell them outright that you can’t tell if they’re interested in getting to know each other, and ask.)

And then there's your energy investment. Here, you observe their behavior and allow the relationship to develop at roughly the pace they set (assuming it isn’t too fast for you). This keeps you grounded in the reality of what they’re actually demonstrating with their behavior, rather than becoming emotionally invested too early in what the relationship could become (but isn’t).

Matching their energy becomes an informal boundary that you get to set with yourself of “I'm going to stop making up for the effort they aren’t putting in.” 

The healthy version of “matching their energy”

How many of us have thought, “If I just communicate better, try harder, give them more XYZ, be more understanding, initiate more, get this wording just right, or prove how much I care, then they’ll step up for me!” before? Because I definitely have. Only to be met with them doing exactly what they were already doing, because that’s what they wanted to do.

Learn from my mistakes here. You can’t over-exert-yourself a person into loving you. Either they step forward at their own pace, or they don’t. 

Your job isn’t to change them; it’s to change your own behavior based on what you observe.

Notice what they do on their own, then adjust accordingly.

Because doing all that stuff even after they take 12 days to respond to a text, give vague replies, never initiate, or repeatedly say they’re “so busy with work” isn't matching their energy; it’s you trying to compensate for their lack of investment. The less they put in, the more the ‘old you’ tries to put in to make up for it. That needs to stop. 

Matching their energy gives you a chance to see what happens when you stop doing all the mental and emotional labor. 

It’s an experiment. When you stop initiating, do they reach out? Do they check on you? Do they follow up on old conversation threads? Do they keep the conversation going when you stop asking questions? Do they make plans with you? Do they notice the distance and try to reconnect with you? If you were solving things for them before, do they find their own solutions instead and reach out to chat just for fun? Or does everything simply… stop?

By the way, it’s okay if they actually are just that busy. But a healthy person who values a relationship will let you know when they’re extra busy (yay, communication!) AND will reach back out when they can to pick up where the two of you left off. They won’t leave it to you to always reach out and make contact “because they’re soooo busy.” That’s not considerate to you, and someone who values you knows that.

Healthy relationships require you both to communicate your needs clearly to each other. Matching someone’s energy can help you see if their energy is consistently insufficient for you. The next step from there is to decide how to talk with them about your needs, or choose to leave the relationship. 

What you shouldn’t do is permanently lower your own energy to match a standard that doesn’t fulfill you. You can lower your energy temporarily if you’re testing how it feels and if that feels like an authentic expression of yourself, but once you realize it’s not fulfilling for you, then something has to change.

This isn’t callous, and it’s not a punishment. It’s a recalibration, and a great time to let yourself rest from everything you’ve been doing for them. This helps give you a clearer view of what they actually bring to the relationship, versus what’s just you making the relationship awesome all by yourself because you’re awesome. If you alone are the best part of the relationship, instead of both of you being the best part together, that’s a problem.

The unhealthy version of “match their energy”

Let’s be clear: this isn’t about playing mind games. You’re not trying to make them chase you or see if they notice you pulled back. You’re not icing them out with the silent treatment. You’re not “playing hard to get”. This isn’t about being manipulative. Resentment should not be fueling this. 

That all lets their actions have too much influence on your emotional state. And this isn’t about controlling them; it’s about taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself and your needs here.

It’s also not about creating more labor for yourself by keeping score. If they take 3 days to reply to you, don’t mark your calendar to do the same just for the sake of “matching their energy”. That’s just mental work for you, keeping track of all these timelines and hyper-focusing on them instead of yourself, and we know you don’t need more crap on your to-do lists. Being too exact in the name of ‘matching’ defeats the resting part of this approach. 

So if someone frequently takes their time in getting back to you, don’t interrupt what you’re doing to quickly reply when the message comes in; just respond when it’s convenient for you. And feel free to take your time in doing so. See the difference? You’re not keeping score. You’re just also not rushing.

Likewise, if someone is genuinely affectionate and expressive but you deliberately hold back and become colder because you're afraid of appearing “too interested,” you're not protecting yourself like you think you are. That strategy actually discourages a healthy person from investing their energy in you, which completely defeats the purpose. 

Healthy relationships need mutual authenticity. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t. Just notice how your attention lands, and let their behavior give you information about how much of yourself it makes sense to invest. 

Remember: the goal is to keep you from doing way too much for way too little in return, not to punish the other person.

And by the way? If someone’s behaving badly, you can always leave the relationship. You don’t have to be shitty back at them or “teach them a lesson” – unless you want to, though that risks escalation, and personally I’m a big fan of the ol’ “this person deserves to lose access to me” approach instead. You can always remove yourself from the dynamic.

You have a ton of choice in how much access certain people have to you. Most adult relationships are optional, after all! Dating relationships are optional. Friendships are optional. Keeping contact with your family is optional. Even coworkers are somewhat optional (if you have the resources to leave that workplace). Don’t feel bad for stepping away from a relationship that isn’t enriching your life. It’s okay to let relationships die sometimes.

Likewise, don’t feel bad if you find yourself needing clarification in a relationship. These are important conversations to have, to let the other person know what you need. A person who is invested in the relationship will want to make sure you’re enjoying it as much as they are. Sometimes that just requires a few conversations to discover and resolve some confusion or miscommunication between you both. 

Energy vs. standards

You shouldn’t need to make yourself any less awesome to make your relationships work. If you do, something is terribly wrong (or your job is hella boring). Please stay your amazing, genuine self… and also decide to no longer carry relationships by yourself. 

Stop filling in the gaps where the other person’s effort, interest, or investment isn't showing up.

Match your energy investment to your standards. You can be warm without doing all the work. You can be enthusiastic without chasing. You can be generous without being too available. You can care deeply without becoming responsible for fixing their problems. What standards feel good to YOU? Set those as your new expectation, and modify or remove relationships that fall short.

This is something I’ve noticed in my friendships over the past few years. 

My female friendships have nearly always felt naturally reciprocal in terms of our mutual investment of time, attention, emotional support, and care. It’s been in my male friendships where I’ve noticed I have a tendency to do considerably more mental and emotional labor than I receive in return. 

Once I realized I was spending too much energy trying to teach (by example) people who didn’t ask to be taught, I pulled back and started matching their energy instead of trying to create it. It’s been incredibly freeing and has given me back more energy to reinvest into the relationships that nourish me most.

Friendships that are naturally reciprocal will not suffer when you try this. You’ll quickly feel the other person’s investment, and you’ll feel more secure giving your energy to them. 

Some relationships may fade. Others evolve. But either way, you’ll have a better sense of how to better nourish yourself through which relationships you’re choosing to invest in. 

That experience changed how I approach dating, too. If I were actively searching for a partner, I would pay a lot more attention to how they behave when I'm not doing all the initiating and problem-solving. I want to see what he naturally contributes when I give him that room. Because I want a partner, not a passenger.

If you’re in that boat and your next thought is “But what if he's just following my energy? What if I need to go first?” Lemme tell ya. Been there. Half my dating life before now has been in pursuit of shy, cautious, uncertain, or inexperienced partners (I know, I’ve changed since then, #recoveringsaviorcomplex). Healthy people who like you will make it clear they like you. Don’t try to build an entire relationship around this person’s lack of initiative, hoping they’ll eventually level up to meet you. Give them room to show you who they are, and see what happens. 

Instead of asking yourself if you’re matching someone’s energy, ask yourself: “Am I paying attention to what this person is actually showing me, or am I ignoring my own needs just to keep this relationship alive?”

Because endlessly pouring your energy into an adult who gives you nothing back isn't just exhausting… it’s a sneaky form of self-abandonment.

Sometimes, the urge to chase runs deeper than just trying to be nice. We over-function because it makes us feel special, useful, important, valuable, or validated. That feeling can be intoxicating. But let’s call it what it is: a trauma response masquerading as romance.

Codependency is not a virtue. Your goal in a healthy relationship should never be to become so indispensable that the other person can't function without you. Your partner is a peer, not a project. You do not need to mother another adult into becoming the person you wish they were.

Your energy is yours to allocate. You do not owe anyone access to it just because they’ve grown accustomed to having it. 

Give them the room to show you who they are. If they leave that space empty, let it stay empty. You deserve a partner, not a passenger.

Equally, Caity

P.S. - Wondering what might be quietly getting in the way of your desire? Grab my free 7 Hidden Desire Killers self-assessment and find out.

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