How to Find Yourself Again When You’ve Lost Touch With What You Actually Want

Hi darling,

Do you remember the version of you that existed before you learned to be good?

Before you learned to be polite when you were angry or scared or unsure…

Before you learned to make yourself less - expect less, ask for less, take up less space, draw less attention, be less loud, less needy, less expressive, less demanding, less bold, less hyper, less weird, less direct, less rude, less opinionated, less difficult, less messy, less of a “burden” to anyone, ever…. 

(As in: less human, less unique, and way easier to control.)

Before you learned that being easygoing was more lovable than having an opinion…

Before you learned to anticipate (and satisfy) what others needed before you checked in with yourself…

She was probably loud. 

And colorful.

And expressive.

And emotional.

And curious. 

And creative. 

And playful. 

And whimsical. 

And energetic.

She asked a million questions. She wanted to know how the entire world worked, and why people are the way that they are.

She liked what she liked (without feeling shame if others didn’t).

She loved sparkly things because they made her feel like a magic princess.

She mixed potions and made art just for the fun of it.

She didn't have a 249-step plan for who she was “supposed to” become.

She was just… herself.

Until, slowly, she learned to leave herself behind.

We don't lose ourselves all at once.

It takes weeks… months… oftentimes years of tiny lessons (conditioning) to get there.

Lessons like:

• Sit down

• Be quiet

• Don’t interrupt

• Don’t be difficult

• Be nice

     …or you’ll get in trouble.

• Don't hurt anyone's feelings

• Don't be too much

• Be helpful

     …or people won’t like you.

• Be pretty

• Be successful

     …or people will judge you.

• Be responsible

     …or people will be mad at you.

• Be a good daughter

• Be a good student

• Be a good employee (AKA “a team player!” in the most toxic workspaces)

• Be a good partner

• Be a good mother

• Be a good woman

     …or you’re a stupid, selfish, ugly, unlovable failure, and it’s all your own fault.

Until, eventually, "What do I want?" gets replaced with:

“What should I be doing for the people around me? What will keep them from being angry with me?”

That's one of the reasons the conversation about women's desire is actually much bigger than the bedroom. Intimate desire isn't happening in a vacuum. It’s influenced by the weight of everything else happening in your life. 

If you've spent years overriding your preferences, swallowing your opinions, ignoring your exhaustion, performing invisible labor, keeping the peace, and organizing your entire existence around other people's needs, it makes sense if you eventually have trouble answering the question:

What do I actually want?

In your bed… in your life… in your relationships… in your partnership… in your career… in your home… everywhere.

Maybe you want huge changes that feel wild to ask for. Maybe you want simpler, smaller changes. Or maybe you want everything in between. (It’s all fine!)

Finding yourself begins here, with getting quiet and giving yourself the space to notice what YOU actually want for yourself. 

So here’s a little exercise for this week: The next time you notice yourself pausing to consider what others need from you, pause again and ask yourself, “If I knew nobody would be disappointed, annoyed, upset, or inconvenienced by my answer, what would I want to do for myself?” (Just notice it. That’s step 1.)

Because before you can build a life around your wants, you have to know what they are. And that's where you and I are going next. 

This is Part 1 of a four-part series about losing yourself, making room for desire, reclaiming your right to choose, and learning to trust what you want.

Coming next week: what happens when your life is jam-packed with obligations for others… and what this does to your capacity to feel desire. (Spoiler: it’s not good.)

See you there.

With love,

 Caity

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