How Satisfying Your Smallest Desires Can Actually Help You Trust Yourself More

Hi darling,

So, you've been doing some detective work on yourself for the past few weeks!

First, we talked about how you can lose yourself slowly through years of learning to be good, helpful, agreeable, responsible, easy, and generally very convenient for everyone else.

Then we talked about how even once you're mentally ready to start living for yourself again, it can be surprisingly difficult to hear what you actually want when your brain is running a 24/7 customer-service desk for everyone else's needs.

Then last week, we talked about choice: how we have infinitely more of it than the women who came before us, and how important it is that we actually USE it to make intentional moves in our lives.

So now we arrive at the final email in this series where you're wondering,

"Okay, but what do I actually DO with all of this information?"

Answer: You start small.

Because rediscovering yourself isn't about waking up tomorrow with a crystal-clear five-year plan for exactly who you're supposed to become. 

You don't necessarily need to "find yourself;” you need to stop abandoning yourself long enough to hear yourself again.

Your preferences are probably still there. So is your curiosity. And your opinions. Your sexuality. Your unique little quirks and random obsessions.

Maybe they're buried under exhaustion. Maybe under responsibility. Maybe under years of being rewarded for being agreeable.

But buried doesn’t mean gone. And you don't have to excavate your entire personality at once. (Thank goodness, because can you imagine how exhausting that would be?!)

Instead, what you’re going to do is: start with the smallest wants.

Remember that list you've been making? Go back to it. Look at all those little things you've been noticing. The foods you wanted to eat. The people you wanted to see. The people you wanted to not see. The evening you wished you could spend alone. The desire to paint again, or to knit, or to brew a warm cup of tea, or to draw a bubblebath for the first time in a long time.

Pick one.

Then, if you reasonably can, do it.

I’m not saying every tiny desire is the sole key to joy and must immediately be obeyed like a commandment. They aren’t. Many you could choose not to do, with no consequence at all, and you’d probably forget you even wanted them. 

I’m saying every time you notice what you want and then make a choice that honors it, you're proving to yourself that (1) you listen to you, (2) that your desires are valid, regardless of what they are, and (3) that you can trust yourself. 

And that matters a lot. Especially that last one.

Because self-trust isn't something you think your way into; it’s something you have to physically practice and prove, so your brain and body learn through reinforced experience. It’s about repetition of thousands of tiny moments where you notice yourself, listen to yourself, and respond accordingly. That teaches your nervous system that when you need something, you provide it (you wonderful caretaker, you).

Things like:

• "I'm tired, so I'm going to rest." 

• "I don't actually want to go, so I'm going to say no." 

• "I've always wanted to take a pottery class, so I'm going to see what my community center offers." 

• "I don't want to spend my Saturday doing six hours of errands, so I'm going to figure out which one is most important and only do that. And then take a bath and read a book."

You’re practicing exercising the ‘muscle’ of listening to yourself, and honoring those inner requests.

It’s the same as how one singular workout in the gym won’t reshape your body overnight. But over time, with lots of practiced moves, you can make dramatic changes to your strength and form.

And by the way - none of these decisions have to be life-changing. 

If you've spent years overriding yourself, you don't need to begin by making the biggest, scariest decision of your life. You’d probably burn yourself out! Small changes are wayyy easier for our nervous system to metabolize. Baby steps…

Start by proving to yourself that you will listen when you say: “I want. I don't want. I'd rather. I'm curious. I need. I'm done.” 

Those little wants are not distractions from your life. They ARE your life.

They're little compass needles pointing toward what brings you energy, joy, relaxation, rejuvenation, curiosity, ease, connection, pleasure, meaning… or simply a really good Saturday afternoon.

And the more you pay attention to them, the easier it becomes to see the bigger picture.

• Maybe that tiny desire to spend more time alone turns into realizing you need more independence in your relationship. 

• Maybe wanting to take that pottery class reminds you how much you miss being creative. 

• Maybe wanting to be touched less makes you realize you've been overriding your body's boundaries. Maybe wanting to be touched more makes you realize you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner.

And I think this is one of the most important things I want women to understand:

You deserve to have a life that is actually enjoyable FOR YOU to live. Not just functional, responsible, or acceptable to other people around you. 

You deserve things and experiences that delight you, make you laugh, make you feel connected, and make you feel alive.

This isn't about getting everything you want, all the time, regardless of everyone else. It's about remembering that you are also one of the people whose needs, preferences, desires, and well-being belong in the equation.

So go look at your list. Keep adding to it. And see which wishes you can start granting for yourself or asking others for help with (if you have good people around you, they’ll probably be very supportive!). 

Don’t worry about doing it perfectly, and don’t worry about fulfilling the entire list. Just pick one to start with, and go for it.

Give yourself little wins. 

Give yourself little pleasures. 

Give yourself proof that when you speak, you listen.

Because that's how you find your way back to yourself, one tiny want at a time. And eventually, you look back at that ever-growing list and go, “Oh, there I am. This is me. Uniquely me.” 

This is Part 4 of our four-part series on losing yourself, making room for desire, reclaiming your right to choose, and learning to trust what you want. If you missed the earlier parts, you can read them here (Part 1), here (Part 2), and here (Part 3).

And if you've made it all the way through this series with me, thank you for being here! Truly. I hope you become kinder to yourself, I hope you say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes, and I hope you build a life you don't constantly need to escape from.

Remember: When in doubt, start small.

Forever a fan of tiny things, Caity

P.S. - If part of your journey here is figuring out why you suddenly have no desire for your partner - I made a free resource to help you start exploring that.  

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