How to Figure Out What YOU Want When You’ve Spent Years Putting Everyone Else First

Hi darling,

Last week we talked about how easy it is to lose your sense of self as a woman - which makes sense after a lifetime of being conditioned to conform to what other people want and expect of you. (#TheWorldRunsOnWomensFreeLabor)

So if you’re ready to jab patriarchy in the eye with a pen (here, take one of mine!), AWESOME. 

Except… there’s a catch. (Because of course there is.)

Even if you’re mentally on board with the idea of living for yourself and becoming besties with the deep-buried desires deep in your heart, you might not actually be able to hear them. At least, not at first. 

You see, you and I both know that your brain is stuffed with about a billion things to remember on any given day. 

• Making that dentist appointment (the one you’d like to forget about but know you need, because you like having teeth)...

• Answering that email politely instead of how you really feel (Can you even read, Doug?)…

• Unloading the dishwasher without plotting the demise of your significant other who keeps leaving dishes “to soak” in the sink (just me?)...

• A work thing, another work thing, and another other work thing…

• Choosing what to eat for dinner, and then actually making it (while resisting just ordering DoorDash because you’re trying to be “financially responsible” as an “adult”)…

• Paying that stack of medical-ish insurance-ish bills on your desk (probably no big deal but you’ve been putting it off for 4 months and now you’re scared of what’s in there)…

• Is your car due for inspection?

• Whose birthday is this month?

• Wait, do we need more eggs? 

• Crap, our period starts next week while we’re supposed to be traveling at that work thing…

• Double crap, laundry’s been in the dryer since yesterday and now we have to restart the wash cycle…

• And the billion other thoughts related to how you’re taking care of your body and home, how you’re doing your job, how you’re planning for the future, how you’re maintaining relationships with everyone important to you, not to mention if you have KIDS (bless you, I could never).

It’s… a lot.

And that leaves SO little space for the fun stuff, like daydreaming (in a whimsical, giggly way) about what you want in your life, your love, and your bedroom.

Here’s a secret: sometimes what we call “low desire” isn’t actually about desire at all. Or even sex. 

It’s about having room to desire. 

It’s about not burning yourself out mentally, emotionally, or physically, so that there’s energy left to think about What You. Truly. Want. For. Yourself. 

It’s about having the mental space to let your mind wander, fantasize, paint a vision about what you’d love in the future. 

Because when you’re disconnected from your wants in your life in general, it can make it a lot harder to know what you want in bed, in your partnership, in your body, and vice versa. 

“But Caity.. I don’t even know what I want anymore.”

You actually do. Or some part of you does, deep down inside… buried beneath the much louder voices running a reception desk for everyone else in your life. 

Maybe you think you don't know what you want because you've gotten too skilled at adapting to other people’s needs. 

Maybe you're exhausted because you've been carrying responsibilities you never agreed to. 

Maybe you’re not actually ‘indecisive’ but were instead trained to distrust your instincts. 

Maybe you're feeling dissatisfied with your life or love right now because the current version of it doesn’t have enough room for the evolved version of you in it. 

Even if you don’t know exactly what you want, I promise you do want things, constantly, all day long. 

Maybe things like: 

• A glass of water. 

• A nap. 

• Caffeine.

• 48 hours where nobody needs anything from you. 

• A sandwich that you didn’t have to make for yourself.

• A different job. 

• A different partner. 

• To be spoiled like a single adult’s beloved tiny dog.

• Going back to school.

• More help. 

• A vacation. 

• To be touched. 

• To not be touched. 

• To leave your current life behind and move across the country and start a polycule with 12 new lovers. 

• To never have to answer a ringing phone again (just me?).

• To start an herb garden.

• To paint every room in your house purple (all different shades).

• To adopt a cat and name her Petunia.

• To adopt a cat-friend for Petunia and name her George.

• To become a multi-millionaire (honestly and ethically) so you, George, and Petunia can donate massively to charities you love.

• To unleash your inner Love Goddess on the world because you feel like it and you’re radiant AF (#YourHonorIWasOvulating).

• Or maybe totally different things! (and I’m totally cheering for you and your creativity if so!)

A lot of your wants will be tiny, and others will be huge. Some wants will make sense, and others won’t. Some will feel easy, while others will feel hella taboo, or petty, or “too much,” or “selfish,” or otherwise un-okay to want. That’s all normal! 

The trick is making enough mental/emotional space for yourself in your life that you’re able to notice your wants in real-time. Not necessarily acting on them (especially if you’re like me and like staying out of jail), but absolutely noticing that they’re there and what they are.

And this will take practice. (*hint, hint*)

So that’s your challenge for this week: Collect your wants as they pop up. You can make a list on paper (favorite journal, anyone?), or jot down a note in your phone. But for the next 7 days, write down every want as each thought crosses your mind (or asap after). 

Anything that follows “I want… I don’t want… I wish… I’d love… I’d rather… Ugh, I hate… I miss… I wonder if…,” write that down. (Especially the negative ones, because there’s still a desire buried beneath your desire-not.)

Even if you cringe at the thought or think it’s not okay to want something, write it down anyway. Think of it like birdwatching in your own mind. You wouldn’t get mad at a certain breed of bird for showing up at your stakeout, right? Give your thoughts the same neutrality of observation. No judging, no analyzing, no overthinking, and no organizing yet. 

Just notice and capture your desirous thoughts - that’s the skill I want you practicing. Let's see what happens when you finally turn your finely-tuned attentiveness back toward yourself. 

Because before you can build a life around what you want (both in general and in love), you have to make room to find out what that even is.

This is Part 2 of a four-part series on losing yourself, making room for your ability to feel desire, reclaiming your right to make choices in your own life, and learning to trust what you want.

Coming next week: You have freedoms and choices that your grandmothers (and their grandmothers, and their grandmothers, and their grandmothers…) could only dream of. We’re going to dive into why it’s so important to use more of them - in your life, and your partnership.

Love and gentle scritches to Petunia and George, Caity

P.S. - If you missed Part 1, you can read that here.

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